Article
What does forgiveness actually require of me?
Forgiveness gets used as pressure far too often, usually toward the person who was hurt.
The short answer
Forgiveness is generally understood as releasing the right to repay harm. It is not the same as trusting the person again, restoring the relationship, or minimizing what happened. It also usually takes time rather than a single decision.
What forgiveness is not
- It is not pretending it did not hurt.
- It is not automatic reconciliation.
- It is not trust, which is rebuilt through changed behavior.
- It is not staying in an unsafe situation.
- It is not a one time event you can be graded on.
When forgiveness talk becomes pressure
Being told to forgive quickly, especially before you have been allowed to say what happened, often deepens the injury. Many women arrive having been rushed by well-meaning people.
Naming the harm plainly usually has to come first.
How it tends to work
Slowly, in layers, often with grief in the middle of it. Boundaries and forgiveness are compatible. If your faith matters to you, that conversation is welcome here and it will not be used to hurry you.
Common questions
Do I have to reconcile?
No. Forgiveness and reconciliation are different, and safety comes first.
What if I forgive and still feel angry?
Very common. Feelings tend to lag behind decisions.
Will Lori push me to forgive?
No. She will help you understand what you actually want and what is safe.
Learn more about Christian counseling with Lori with Lori, or browse all articles on Christian counseling.
Written by Lori Rasmussen, LISW, a Licensed Independent Social Worker licensed in the State of Iowa and a Certified Spiritual Director. Lori counsels women and female students in Waterloo, Iowa and online across Iowa. Articles here are meant to help you understand what you may be experiencing; they are not a diagnosis and they do not take the place of care from a professional who knows your story.
Reaching out can be the first step.
You don't need to know exactly what to say, or have anything figured out, before you contact Lori.
Or email rasmussencounselingandsd@gmail.com