Article
Why doesn't grief follow the stages?
If you have been quietly wondering whether you are grieving wrong, you probably are not. Grief simply does not move the way the diagrams suggest.
It is not a line, and you are not behind
Grief tends to loop. You can feel steady for weeks and then be undone by a song, a street, a smell, or a Tuesday with nothing special about it. Anger can show up long after you thought you were past it. Relief and sorrow can sit side by side.
None of that means you are failing at grief. It means grief is responding to love, and love does not follow a schedule.
What losses do people not always call grief?
Grief is not reserved for funerals. A divorce, a diagnosis, a move, an estrangement, a child leaving home, a job ending, a body that has changed, or a future you had planned on and will not get: these carry real grief, and they often come with less support because no one thinks to bring a meal.
Faith does not remove that ache either. Trusting God and being heartbroken are not opposites, and there is nothing unfaithful about saying so out loud.
Questions people bring to grief counseling
Why does my grief not match the five stages?
The stages were never meant as a schedule to be completed in order. Real grief tends to circle back, arrive out of order, and show up on ordinary days without warning. That is common, not a sign that something is wrong with you.
How long is grief supposed to last?
There is no correct length. Grief usually changes shape rather than ending. Many people find it becomes something they carry rather than something that carries them.
Do I need counseling for grief, or should I just give it time?
Time helps, but time alone is not always enough, especially if grief is affecting sleep, work, faith or relationships, or if you have no safe place to say the harder parts out loud. Counseling gives you that place.
Read more about counseling for grief and life transitions, or about Christian counseling if you want faith to be part of the conversation. Sessions are available online anywhere in Iowa.
Written by Lori Rasmussen, LISW, a Licensed Independent Social Worker licensed in the State of Iowa and a Certified Spiritual Director. Lori counsels women and female students in Waterloo, Iowa and online across Iowa. Articles here are meant to help you understand what you may be experiencing; they are not a diagnosis and they do not take the place of care from a professional who knows your story.
Reaching out can be the first step.
You don't need to know exactly what to say, or have anything figured out, before you contact Lori.
Or email rasmussencounselingandsd@gmail.com