Article
Why can I believe in grace and still feel unforgivable?
You can explain grace clearly to someone else and still not be able to apply it to yourself.
The short answer
Knowing something and feeling it are different processes. Shame usually formed through experience rather than argument, so it rarely yields to more correct information. It changes through being spoken out loud and met with kindness.
Guilt and shame are not the same
Guilt says I did something wrong, and it can be addressed. Shame says something is wrong with me, and it hides, which is precisely what keeps it intact.
Many women have carried a specific memory for years without ever telling one person.
What tends to change it
- Saying the actual thing out loud to a safe person.
- Separating what you did from what you are.
- Making repair where repair is possible.
- Letting kindness land, slowly, without arguing with it.
- Noticing whose voice the shame is using.
Faith and counseling together here
For women of faith this often sits in both places at once: a counseling question about patterns and a spiritual question about being loved. It can be held in one room, at whatever depth you choose, and never forced.
Common questions
What if I cannot say it out loud?
Start with the fact that there is something. That is often enough for a first session.
Will I be judged?
No. Lori listens first, and shame does not survive well in a room like that.
Does this require faith?
No. This work is available whether or not faith is part of your life.
Learn more about Christian counseling with Lori with Lori, or browse all articles on Christian counseling.
Written by Lori Rasmussen, LISW, a Licensed Independent Social Worker licensed in the State of Iowa and a Certified Spiritual Director. Lori counsels women and female students in Waterloo, Iowa and online across Iowa. Articles here are meant to help you understand what you may be experiencing; they are not a diagnosis and they do not take the place of care from a professional who knows your story.
Reaching out can be the first step.
You don't need to know exactly what to say, or have anything figured out, before you contact Lori.
Or email rasmussencounselingandsd@gmail.com