Article
Why is it so hard for me to say no?
Yes arrives before you have decided. By the time you know how you feel, you are already committed.
The short answer
People pleasing is usually a strategy for staying safe and connected, learned in situations where disappointing someone felt dangerous. It changes by creating a pause between the request and your answer.
The pause is the skill
Most of the work is not learning to say no. It is buying yourself time. Let me check and get back to you is a complete sentence, and it gives your own preferences a chance to arrive.
You will still say yes to plenty of things. The difference is that you will have chosen them.
Signs it has gone too far
- Your calendar is full of things you did not want.
- You feel resentful toward people who never asked you to overextend.
- You cancel on yourself first, every time.
- You apologize for having preferences.
- You do not know what you would want if nobody else needed anything.
Underneath it
There is usually a fear worth naming: being seen as selfish, losing a relationship, or being the one who let everyone down. Counseling works on that fear rather than only on your calendar.
Common questions
Is people pleasing a bad thing?
Kindness is not the problem. Fear-driven yes is.
What if my family expects it?
Change tends to be slower with family. Start smaller there.
Where does counseling start with this?
Usually with your history, and with practicing new language.
Learn more about counseling for women and female students with Lori, or browse all articles for women and female students.
Written by Lori Rasmussen, LISW, a Licensed Independent Social Worker licensed in the State of Iowa and a Certified Spiritual Director. Lori counsels women and female students in Waterloo, Iowa and online across Iowa. Articles here are meant to help you understand what you may be experiencing; they are not a diagnosis and they do not take the place of care from a professional who knows your story.
Reaching out can be the first step.
You don't need to know exactly what to say, or have anything figured out, before you contact Lori.
Or email rasmussencounselingandsd@gmail.com